When We Abandon Our Self For the World

For years, I was a follower. I followed peers in making decisions to use controlled substances in high school. I followed unhappy people when I started developing a negative attitude. I followed those who told me if I was like X, Y, and Z, then I would be a perfect Christian. I followed the opinions of others towards me as a reflection of being strange, weird, or not good enough.

Sometimes, I followed the world when I felt I had to be over-glamorous with my appearance or needed to look a certain way to gain applause. I thought that if I looked and acted a certain way,  even if it meant drawing attention to my body through immodest clothing or by wearing a self-righteous attitude, I would feel better about myself. In hindsight, I didn't. The applause lasted for a moment and then I was back to where I felt before I did what I did to get the attention.

I've been reading Donald Miller's latest book, Scary Close. He talks about how he attended a seminar called Onsite to help improve his relationships. What he came away from it was that often times, we cover our real self  with things like humor, attitude, or other mechanisms that draw attention to us as a way to receive love. He said that shame can cause us to hide our real self. Somewhere along the way, we felt like we didn't measure up. Therefore, to hide the shame of our real self, we create a character that we think others will like as our new "appeared" self.

Miller says, "The root systems of these lies we tell ourselves tend to grow together. It's all connected with the belief human love is conditional. But human love isn't conditional. No love is conditional. If love is conditional, it's just some sort of manipulation masquerading as love."

As a teenager, I was bullied pretty badly. I longed to be loved and so I craved it by cutting my arms. When I slashed my wrists, I never felt the pain. The only pain I felt was the need to feel loved. I didn't realize that I was loved. I didn't quite capture the love God had given me already through the sacrifice of His son.

I used to spend a lot of time using social media. I loved being able to connect with others. But let's be honest. A lot of it is about getting some attention for the things we post. Have you ever posted something not to get any "likes" and started wondering if the problem is you not being liked? To me, that's what a lot of it appears to be. And a lot of it appears to be a mechanism to show our appeared self as perfect.

We only post pictures of us when they look just right. We share our most intimate moments to gain satisfaction and applause from others. Today's world longs to have that feeling of love.

To really understand, just look around at some of the biggest celebrities. They'll do what it takes to gain attention whether being inappropriate on stage or taking drugs. But deep down, what they long for is to be loved.

Donald Miller says it perfectly when he says, "Nobody steps onto a stage and gets a standing ovation for being human. That's the difference between being loved and making people clap, though. Love can't be earned, it can only be given. And it can only be exchanged by people who are completely true with each other."

Finally, I gave it all up.

I gave up social media stuff. I gave up trying to cave into the pressure of doing what I could so I could have a moment where I felt as though I was liked. I realized I didn't need the opinions of man to decide whether I was good enough. God already thinks I am.

What I've learned more over time is that I needed to be authentic. I needed to remember that I was made in God's image and by HIS grace, I've been saved. I needed to realize that not everyone will like the real me. And that's okay. God loves me and He sees my heart.

So I've learned to throw a lot of the lies I had bought into away. I've learned to live a more authentic life, being willing to share my mistakes with others. I've learned that it's okay to try and NOT be perfect. Instead, I can be real and relatable.

Since then, I've become more confident. I feel like I can radiate the Gospel story to others through my authenticity. And instead of following what is okay with the world, I choose to follow Jesus instead, giving my all to Him. 

***Do you enjoy writing? Do you have a blog? Come join the party. Every Friday, you are given a word/topic to write about on your blog. Spend five minutes (or in my case more), and link up your blog at www.katemotaung.com.