Songs of Joy

     After years of confusion, I awoke from the strangeness of things with insurmountable joy. I realized my downfalls over the past few years and what became of the things I had become accustomed to in my daily life. I was seeking the approval of man. You see, growing up I was always a bit of a dreamer. I loved dreaming of "far off places and daring sword fights" like Belle with her nose stuck in a book. I dreamed of fairy tales coming true and was always a bit of an adventure seeker in the most feminine way. At a young age of 17, my fairy tale started to amazingly become true. I met my handsome prince and we were made just for each other. God knew what he had in store for us meeting at such a young age and giving us dreams of a different kind of future. We loved being together and so we tied the knot at the age of 22.

     Shortly after, I started having children and accomplished more dreams of a large family. But somewhere along the way, I began living less for what we dreamed and more for the approvals of man. I picked up on ideas that I needed to care what the world thought of me more than I ever knew. I worried about cleaning on an overboard schedule worried that if someone came into my home and saw an ounce of mess, they would judge me as being a lazy mother. I tried going along with the demands others made for me without putting up necessary borders along the way. I felt if I didn't do XYZ, others would view me as not enough or I wasn't "Christian" enough. Sadly, as the years have gone by, I lost a bit of myself. I lost the adventures I wanted to take and put aside the hobbies I enjoyed in an effort not to disappoint anyone.

     This past year, I realized I couldn't always keep up anymore. I struggled as I fell to despair trying to figure out why I wasn't able to do more. However, God brought people to remind me through words or things done that I didn't need to do it all. "You do what you can" were words spoken to me. Then, after lots of time in tears and wondering how to get back to where I used to be, my husband reminded me of what I've lost... my confidence. My confidence was lost in the need to do everything right in order to please others. I've always been a bit of a people pleaser trying to not upset anyone. When I was reminded of what I used to have, it sunk in. The words were true and I slept on it.

     Then I awoke with flashbacks to who I once was and realized once again what I can still be. I was always a square peg in a round hole. I don't need to worry about what others think. Instead, I am learning to return to who I am deep down inside. I am thankful for the gentle nudges God gives me through others in an effort to live for Him. I don't need the approval of man because God gave me approval already.

As I dream once again, seek adventures like never before, and work on letting go, I am thankful for who God made me to be. I love the life He's given me and the lessons I'm learning along the way. I read this verse a few days ago that really came alive for me.

Psalms 126:5-6 Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them. 

I've been sowing with tears, but I reap with songs of joy. I am filled with joy for my savior who continues to love me beyond the mess that I am. He offers grace and mercy through his everlasting kindness. Through whatever trials and tribulations you are experiencing, just know that as you come out the other side, He will once again fill you with joy you never thought possible.